ALONG COMES MARY

This is not going to be an easy post to write. Nor will it be my usual cheery style of sharing something great with you. Instead, I want to tell you more about suffering from depression and  bring this sometimes dirty-little-secret word out of the dark.

I suffer from major depression with acute anxiety. Overall, I am a happy, functioning, able person whom on most days loves to be out and about, feeling good about life. But, then, out of the blue. I feel it come on. Horrible feelings of despair and hopelessness. I don’t want to tell anyone, because I feel so ashamed and scared they will not like me when that’s the real me for the day. I have had episodes of literally sitting in my car being immobile to drive to my destination.

A friendly face or someone looking at me will make me burst into tears. I have insecurities and sometimes low self-esteem that just blows through the roof on these days. My thoughts feel like they’re going to drown me as I sit or attempt to go about my business yet I feel like I am crashing inside. I feel as small as a bug in such a huge world.

The entire time, I am well aware that I really have nothing to be concerned about, yet reassuring myself does crap. I feel so crazy to feel so down. I try to think of recent days that I felt great, but then get even more scared as I fear those days might be over.

Then, poof. As quickly as these episodes come, they will disappear and I still feel so ashamed that I overreacted over something. For the first time in my life, I am trying to be more open on these days as my Boyfriend has seen me like this. Crying & telling him my fears does indeed seem to help the moods subside, but my insecurities remain as it’s still difficult for me to show that part of me. Michael has been reminding me not to hide who I am or pretend.

I used to want to go days where I would not want to leave my house. I also get scared sometimes before something fun, as I will freak out if I don’t feel in control; worried if an activity might run long yet I need to get out of a perfectly fine situation, I will be there, silently suffering or worried I might get overly nervous.

For some, depression & anxiety is triggered or begins after an event. For me, I feel I was born with these tendencies; perhaps inherited them. I also have Type 1 Diabetes and Rheumatoid Arthritis, which has caused me some very physically challenging days. If that’s going on, I usually get drowned in my fears.

Besides from my Boyfriend, my Mom is always ALWAYS amazing to me when I am having a rough time, so are my friends. While some are aware I have these issues, they may not realize I am knee-deep in an attack when I am with them or chatting on-line; keeping myself surrounded by loving people saves me.

Too many of us suffer in silence, though. Lets change that. Here are some other resources:

Get more info on depression here: http://bit.ly/1aUOyOZ
Write a blog post sharing your personal experience of depression and/or share resources to help others.

xo